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Sunday, December 21, 2014

the case of the missing cupcake

The case:
My watch read half past midnight on Friday night when I entered
the house. My ex would argue that technically, it was Saturday
morning. There's a reason he's my ex. I was met by a frantic
woman, my new client, who was babbling outrageously about a
missing cupcake. I felt 60% annoyed, 30% frustrated and 10%
compassionate. The latter only because this crazy woman was me.

I stuck out my hand and said, "Nice to meet you, I'm Angie
Orlando, detective extraordinaire."

She ignored my hand and went on mumbling. I could have sworn she
said, "farkin' cat."

The first step in surviving as a detective is to get your client
calm. I offered her a Dr. Pepper and vanilla cream stick. She was
literally bouncing off the walls but ready to tell me what I
needed to know.

The Facts:

At approximately 1:14 PM on December fifth, my client entered a
pink shop near the Plaza Theaters in Kent, Ohio. If you know
where I'm talking about, shame, shame, shame. And you promised to
stick to your diet. If you don't know, what are you waiting for?
It's a little part of Heaven called Heavenly Cupcakes. You know
you want one or two or three or four...

The bakery specializes in cupcakes. That's a free clue you get
from the name of the shop. Good for you!

The smell in there is to die for. They should charge just for a
whiff. But the pink everything just about makes you want to die.
It evens out.

After 15 minutes of agonizing torture, my client settled on a
triple vanilla for her mother and triple chocolate for her
father. In another box, she got a triple vanilla for herself and
a triple chocolate for her son. She was quit to justify her
indulgence, "I bought the cupcakes to celebrate my mother's
birthday on November 30th and my own birthday, coming up on
December 8th."

Save it lady, I wanted to say. Since we have the same tastes in
everything, I knew she'd buy a cupcake at the drop of a hat. And
I'm okay with that.

After delivering one pink box to her parents' home, my client
returned to her own house with the other box, complete with a
pink ribbon securing it shut.

At around 8:45 that night, her 13 year old son opened the box,
threw away the ribbon and ate his chocolate cupcake. At 11:25 PM,
my client planned to eat her cupcake, but it was gone... box and
all. That's when I was called in.

The Grudge Work:

While my client cried about her missing cupcake on social media,
I began the dirty work. I checked on the counters, in the sink,
under the couch and just about every where. I found seven
pencils, a gaming stylus and 16 different cat toys. No cupcake?
Where would you roll if you were a triple vanilla Heavenly
Cupcake trapped in a pink box?

The suspects
"No, I didn't eat it," the boy said for the third time. "I swear
I left it right there on the counter."

I believed him. As his mother, I know he's the greatest teenager
in the world. He's Honest Abe in a Joseph suit. Besides, the kid
doesn't like white cake.

"Meow," said the black cat.

"Meow," said the odd tan tabby colored kitten.

I looked them over, even smelled them, and sensed guilt in the
shape of a kitten. With three black paws and one that's pink,
something isn't right with that cute looking kitten. There's a
reason she's called Nut. My client said something about the
Egyptian Goddess of the Sky. Likely story. I had the criminal,
but where was the cupcake?

The End:
She whined, moaned, groaned and screamed so much that someone
bought her a new cupcake. Thank the gods!

The house was roped off with yellow crime-scene tape. No one was
allowed in or out. I admit it, I was stumped. I checked with some
top colleagues and had the police put out an APB. No cupcake, no
cupcake! Days passed.. Then a few weeks. I was starting to
believe that a hungry ghost glided away with the goods. I'm a
lover of vampire books with a creative imagination and enough
sugar to make me believe in anything.

I'm also as stubborn as they come. Determination is my middle
name. I would find that cupcake or die trying. Or maybe I'd die
trying to eat the cupcake after I found it.

16 days later, the mystery has been solved. The accused kitten
did, in fact knock the box off the counter. The kitten attempted,
in vain, to open the box. Either to hide the crime or, more
likely, because it was stuck, the kitten left the cupcake, still
untouched in its pink box, jammed between the wall and furnace.
The case is solved I expect payment in the form of a cherry
Heavenly Cupcake.

Post-Script
For some reason, my client didn't want to eat the cupcake. It was
tossed unceremoniously into a dumped. Maybe I should have sent it
to the ex as a Christmas present.

Post-Post Script
Where's that cupcake?

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