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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Saying Good Bye

There's never an easy way to say good bye. Sometimes you aren't
give the chance. Your loved one is here today... gone tomorrow.
And there's nothing you can say.

You can go to a church or stand in front of a mound of dirt. You
can speak such elegant words about what a beautiful person he
was. Or how much you loved her. But in the end, you are still
left feeling so empty inside.

I believe the worst part is removing that person from you daily
life. Packing away their clothes. Cleaning out their apartment.
Returning the library book they had checked out.. The book they
never got to finish.

And then there is the heart break of taking them out of your
address book. It sounds ridiculous, but in this day of computer
technology, we have a file for everyone we love. There's no
reason to keep the info after the person passes away. They won't
get your email up in Heaven. Let it go. Hit delete. Say good
bye.

When my brother died, I was angry. I knew it was suicide. No
one had to tell me. I just knew. I couldn't yell at him for
being dead, So I removed him. I thought it would make me feel
better. It didn't.

On my machine, it's control with 8. That's how you delete a
file. What a weird command. Then it asks if you are sure you
want to delete this file. Am I sure? Hell no! I'm hurt and I
want my brother back. But I hit y" and the file is gone.

Now I need to "control-8" someone else. I can't seem to find the
strength to do it. I don't want to believe she is gone. This
time I will hold onto the file. I can try to pretend she is
still alive. Even though I know it's not true.

What really hurts is that I didn't even know she was dead. It
was one of those online friendships. We never met in real life.
Yet I still valued her as a special person in my life.

I notice that she started "bouncing" last month. The emails I
wrote to her were returned undelivered. I wasn't worried. This
happens often with friends online. But you know they always
come back.

After awhile, you write and ask a mutual friend. They say,
"Oh, yes, she's just having some internet trouble." Then she's
back and you are chatting away like always.

Only this time it was a fatal heart attack. She was only 53.
She's not coming back.

It happened six weeks ago and I didn't know. How could I have
called myself her friend? She died and I didn't know. What sort
of friend is that?

I should delete her file but I can't. I just don't have the
heart to do it. I'm too in shock. I'm too ashamed. I just
can't seem to say good bye.

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