I'm so amazing

I'm So Amazing!

I wake up at half past noon, and still don't want to get up. I
drag my lazy butt out of bed and enter the bathroom. I sit on
the toilet to have a nice, long pee. Then I wash my hands and
brush my teeth.
Glory be, I'm so amazing!

I find some jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt. I dress all by
myself. My shirt isn't backwards and both shoes are the same
color.
Look at me, I'm so amazing!

I stumble down the stairs without falling. I've missed
breakfast, and I don't want lunch. Eating is too much of a
chore. Why bother?

I grab my laptop and flop into my favorite recliner. The old,
green chair conforms to my body, as if to declare it's my throne.

I screw around on the internet all day long. Facebook is my
realm, and I am the queen. If only I could find a king... When
I'm bored with that, I check my email. I reply to the crap,
while leaving the important stuff for later.
Glory be, I'm so amazing!

At 7:00, I realize I'm starving. What a shock! I use my advanced
culinary skills to make myself a bowl of Lucky Charms. I spill
the milk and manage not to cry. The cereal hates me. Each
spoonful is milk and plain pieces that taste like cardboard.
Where are the blue moons, red balloons and rainbow pots of gold?

On the way back to my recliner, I trip over the dog. My can of
Dr. Pepper flies across the room. I rescue the can and let the
dog lick up the mess. That's why she has such a bubbly
personality.

My friend comes over to shoot the breeze. She tells me about the
real world. I gossip about what I read on Facebooks. Sarah
found out her roommate has been sleeping with her boyfriend. She
tossed his stuff into the pond and poured a jar of pickles over
Amy's bed. Isn't that what life's all about?
Look at me, I'm so amazing!

Before she leaves, she tells me I'm inspirational. I just roll
my eyes. Yeah, I'm super duper and absolutely wonderful. My
chair thinks so, too.
Glory be, I'm so amazing!

Revised April 2012